Episode 6 – Hello Coldnada

"I love Canada," says Sean, when we first see him staring into the distance, having a chat with the bears and deer of Banff National Park.  And since we haven’t noticed, Chris Harrison hints to us (and the ladies) that this is "one of the most beautiful, most romantic places in the Canadian Rockies"! He’s not lying you guys!  I went there on my honeymoon and it is even prettier in real life.

What they are lying about is that Sean is running around by himself.  He travels with quite the team on this show, as pictured here:

The women walk around Lake Louise and comment how "it screams romance," yet we never actually hear that.  Oh and AshLee will throw up if Tierra gets a one-on-one, so I’m now really hoping she gets it, because really, AshLee needs to loosen up!

A date card arrives, and Catherine gets the first one-on-one and she “just knows today is going to be perfect”.  Maybe she didn’t foresee the blizzard or check the forecast.  Welcome to Coldnada Catherine.  But why would she says: “I’m scared as hell” in the middle of a whiteout?  Dear Catherine, hell is hot.  As in desert hot.  Please talk to Selma if you want more information.  You are in a freezing storm.  Get it together.  Go have a play date in a glacier wearing a onesie and we’ll talk later.  Yours truly, ME.

Nothing says I’m crazy about you like a Onesie

Catherine, girl, this is Canada.  I know you're from Seattle, but please wear something warmer next time so you are not stuck wearing a stupid onsie.  And don’t stay in one spot as you await your date.  I now feel like I should have written these girls memo cards: “When in Canada 101”.

Luckily, before she can freeze, Sean arrives in a snow bus and I want to tell everyone that yes, this is how every Canadian travels because we don’t care about good gas mileage.  We love our cool buses and red onesies.  Catherine mistakes that for a "rugged" look.  Sorry to disappoint, but Wikipedia agrees with me on this one: ONESIE = infant bodysuit.  Not rugged.  

Sean drives the bus around for awhile looking for the perfect glacier, squeaks some seats, bounce his date up and down, and they both whisper sweet nothing into a microphone.  It sounds sexier in writing.  

They then attempt to sled on a flat surface and go figure, it kindda doesn’t work like that.  So Sean has to pull Catherine around as she "never gets cold when she is with him".  Were they ever in another cold situation?  

Sean's super red face & ears makes my mommy brain almost explode as I start yelling uncontrollably: “WHERE IS YOUR TUQUE YOU STUPID AMERICAN BOY” 

They finally change out of their onesies, and Catherine again forgets to put on a coat.  I feel like “When in Canada 101” would be a fantastic book by now.

They ride in a carriage to a real-life ice castle, made by the show for them.  This is one of the coolest (cool, get it?) thing I’ve seen on this show.  It had roses frozen in some pillars, beautiful hanging ice cubes all over the place.  It was so pretty!!!!!  Completed with a non-ice couch but that would have been funny!!!  And a fire.

"It just clicks with you," says Sean, for not apparent reason.  If things click in a onesie, you know it was meant to be.  This was Cat’s cue to share something really dramatic about her that got her casted on the show.  Call me COLD, but this is how this show works.  Catherine shared about seeing a girl get crushed by a tree when she was 12 at summer camp.  Talk about traumatizing thing to have happen to a 12 year old, although I don’t know how that experience means her biggest goal in life is "to be in love and have a family." Anybody else missed that connection?  Maybe the cold is just getting to their brains by now.

Sean wants to make sure Catherine feels special, like REALLY special y’all.  And the way to make a girl feel special is to give her a rose.  Just like all the other special girls in his life.  How special.  "Catherine has melted my heart," says Sean.  You heard it right.  I mean Élan Gale; you are outdoing yourself with those lines this season.Follow him if you don't already @theyearofelan

Getting Hypothermia Is Pretty Tierrable (I just can’t help it y’all)

In this date, Tierra gets carted off to the hospital (drink!).  But first things first (I’m getting too excited about this part).  Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Selma, Lindsay, Lesley and Daniella get invited to "bare their souls."  Daniella is SO confused because she hasn't gotten a one-on-one yet and everyone else pretty much has except for Tierra’s 2 on 1.  I'm pretty confused too!  Girl, I'll date you.  Wait, I'm not even gay.  But she’s willing to BEAR it all in Canada.  (spelling done on purpose y’all).  I’m mostly confused because Sean hopes that he left all the "drama" behind last week, but he brought Tierra’s eyebrows along to Canada.  I don’t know what he’s thinking, but that gets a rise out of my eyebrows.

The group of girls (I don’t like calling them “ladies”) jumps into canoes and GO GIRL GO Lesley snags the spot in Sean's boat, which let’s be clear here!  That would have been my spot too.  I don’t like canoeing, and I cannot figure it out for the life of me.  Let the man do the stirring...  and paddling!  Might as well take a leisurely ride across the lake.  

Ok let’s focus on Sarah who still has only one arm at this point in the show.  Eeeek this is getting annoying.  I loved how she owned up to the canoeing like a champ.  Much better than I would have with 2 arms.  I really HATE canoeing.  Sean wants Lesley to let him "be the man," and I’m like why is Selma not in his boat?  Instead she’s doing voodoo in the next canoe, hoping to send sharks to eat Lesley & well...  Just Lesley I guess. 

Once they get to their destination, they are frozen like little icicles y’all because no one is dressed appropriately.  Where are the onesies?  No fire & s'mores for Tierrable, she gets a time out and no dessert. 

Sean wants to "embrace the Canadian bears" and do the Polar Bear Plunge -- a.k.a. You are an idiot, submerging yourself in around 0 degree water (almost-freezing) in a bikini.  I’m saying IDIOT lightly, because I have a confession.  I have done this 3 times, and never got a man out of the deal.  

Lindsay is excited because she’s outdoorsy.  This has nothing to do with being outdoorsy, and everything to do with being ballsy.  And we know she has balls y’all.  But Selma is from the desert and she’s keeping it real by not being pressured to do something she doesn’t feel like doing for a man.  I respect that woman so much!  Bless this Iraqi goddess & her hotness.  May the cold never touch her perfect skin.  Sean tries to convince her by saying “this is a once in a lifetime opportunity” and the sun goddess ain’t buying it.  She can come back to Canada later and do this with me, anytime.  For real.  Or we can just go shopping.

All the girls (minus my BFF Selma) get changed, put on their white robes and fuzzies booties, and play peek-a-boo with the curtains. 

They finally come out when they were hoping to see shirtless Sean.   Patience girls.

Lesley grabs his hand and heads the pack off to their obvious peril.   

It’s awesome.  And chaotic.  And you cannot feel your body.  It’s like a trance.  The girls, whom I’m now calling ladies because they have balls, are now feeling really awesome.  

AshLee needs 2 people to help her with her boots.  First Selma.  Then she takes them off so that Sean can help her too.

All is well except for Miss Drama a.k.a. Tierra.  She starts acting loopier than usual and floppy.  As in floppier than usual.  

And Sean feels more "helpless" than usual too because he’s only a professional in concussions.  So he stands by and let the EMTs take over.  They have no clue what to do either, because they are in some breezy tent and wrapping her in some orange paper to warm her up.  It ain’t working so they have to carry her in a vehicle, and then inside.

The images that followed gave me nightmares.  I felt like we were watching an exorcism

Tierra's first hypothermia-tierrably-loopy words are "I missed time with him".  Well now, at least you got some coffee and didn’t die.  

This coffee is Tierrable

And now you have your own private maid-servant who’s giving you junk food, drying your hair and wiping the mascara off your droopy face, while the other women (minus Selma) are having a party about how “incredible” the day was and showing no concern for Tierra.  That’s tierrable.

Sean who’s totally wearing shorts goes to visit the hypothermia girl.  Now that’s a “in your face” bold move from Sean’s stylist.  Tierra is in bed and quickly puts her oxygen back in because she hates him seeing her like that. PELEASE.

She “jokes” that he "better marry her" now and America swallows.  HARD.  Sean: “Hey, Tierra, maybe you should skip out on the night time part of the date so that you can recuperate” and so I can recuperate too from you throwing the “marry” word out.

Hypothermia isn’t always a Tierrable thing

So the ladies are STOKED that Tierra will not be dramaying their night.  Lesley who loves love is happy she was holding Sean’s hand to jump into the lake because that’s what love is all about.  Holding hands and freezing lakes.

Sarah takes the most major plunge of the night by “introducing” Sean to her family through photos.  His brain starts to lack oxygen and having hypothermia. 

Tierra is RE-doing her makeup and hopefully choosing waterproof this time.  I mean seriously right???  She’s limping and crouching or mostly flopping (still), because her toes are frozen from hypothermia.  Oy.  Sounds like a good idea to wear heels.

Lesley: "Everybody watch your back, we have a Tierra-rist on our hands" by far the BEST quote of this season.  I love you Lesley, please be my BFF.

Lindsay kindly suggests Tierra should "run down the stairs, jump in an ice bucket of water and try to be nice."  Sadly that doesn’t seem to cool off the Tierrable fire.

Sean pulls Tierra aside so he can hear her complain about her injuries a little bit more.  "Please tell me more. I’m so interested" said Sean - NEVER.

Lindsay interrupts to make out with Sean, because they never really talk. 

Lesley gets the rose for best quote of the night since Sean finally saw the hilarious side to this girl.  Obviously Tierra thinks she should have another pity rose. 

You are sweet so I’ll dump you

After a cold shower, err bath in Lake Louise, Sean realizes that he doesn't see a "forever" with Sarah, because she's so "sweet".  Only villains have a shot on this show.  So he goes back to the ladies' room and says he wants to talk to her.  He feels like he's been trying to force it with her, EEK, not something a woman wants to hear, especially after kissing the man.  He doesn't want her to wait around two more days for a rose ceremony and enjoy Lake Louise.  Sorry Sarah, say good bye to Coldnada.  

What I don’t get, is why he wasn’t straight up with her?  I feel like he DID have a connection their first date, but ended up having stronger connections along the way with the other women.  Instead, he tells her he’s forcing it?  Poor girl!  Now’s she so sad and I know many people want to see her as the next "Bachelorette”.  I feel bad for her, but I think she’s too sweet to be put through that again.  Just my thoughts.

Canada teepees is the way to do it Eh

Desiree snags the second one-on-one date like it’s hot (yet it’s cold).  It was HIGH time we got to see this girl again.  Oh, talking about HIGH let me tread carefully here: a hike ... and then repelling down a 400 foot cliff for a picnic.  Des, my best friend in another life, is highly scared and hopes she doesn't die.  Fortunately for us the producers rescue her and she can now turn the whole adventure into a terrible metaphor. "Repelling down the mountain was seriously like a relationship," she says. After taking "risks" and "conquering" challenges and "opening her heart," Des hit rock bottom, err, the bottom which is made of rocks. 

They then have a picnic in a meadow which is never complete without climbing trees and making out from high places.

Somehow they fall out of the tree into a teepee, and again somehow Sean has changed into a sweater Americans obviously think looks Canadian.  Des sees his vulnerable side so she decides to open up and share that she grew up kindda poor and lived in a trailer park, tents and small apartments for much of her childhood.  I now know why I feel like we are best friends from another life!!! Our trailers must have been in the same trailer park at some point and I wish I was being sarcastic (which I usually am).

Where you grow up doesn’t matter if you have amazing parents and a dwelling full of love.  Seriously though!  As a kid it’s hard, but you are mostly oblivious to it when all you have around you is support.  I think she is luckier than many rich kids.  Sean must agree because he gives her the rose!   

Then Desiree's producer tells her to say: "I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent and here I am, falling in love in a teepee."  Oy.

Canadians like to drink too eh

 
The cocktail party is pretty straight forward.  Tierra is pissed about tierrable things.  Selma cranks the heat one notch by showing everyone some crazy cleavage, which isn’t what she cannot do on TV.  Oh no.  That’s ok.  She just can’t kiss.  But she does anyway.  

Lindsay and Sean try to talk instead of making out but her plan fails and they just make out.

AshLee tries to "relinquish control" and gives Sean a scarf to blindfold her and take the "lead" with her.  So he’s like: “sweet, but where are the hand-cuffs?”.  As strange as this was, AshLee feels like this was somehow amazing.  To each it’s own.  "I moved the mountain and Sean stood on the other side," she says.   Did I miss something???

Farewell Ladies

Catherine, Desiree and Lesley already have roses and Lindsay, AshLee and Tierra get one at the rose ceremony. 

Going home: Selma, Daniella

WHAT?????????????  You cannot send 2 of my favorites in one night.  COMON!  Sean had Selma kiss him and sends her home to her shame?  To get grounded by her family??  And get cut off from TV for weeks???  WOW.  That was LOWE.

Daniella my dear I’m rooting for you on Bachelor Pad 4.  You rock my world.  It was Tierrable you had to go home :( 

Sean says these six women are the ones for him.  GREEDY man. 

COMING UP: St. Croix
 

HOT.  Tropics!  Finally a nice trip.  Wait.  Did Selma get voted off because she gets puffy in the heat???  It now makes sense.

Follow me on twitter: @marieevefast