Episode 5 – Turning the bachelor into bad girls club

So much drama this episode, but we shall not lose focus, and I will TRY to remain “sharp eyed” through it all!!

At the mansion:

#TeamDon’t from Emily’s Season: Jef, Arie & Michael Nance get to welcome Selma to their hoodie club and they could not be more excited.

The Bachelor Season 17 moves to Whitefish, Montana.  Finally, a trip!  The ladies try to contain their non-excitement; by showing us they can all fake smile really well.  At this point I have no idea who to trust and who is there for the right reasons.  Maybe they just have a really bad case of cabin fever!!!  Catherine is particularly excited about Catherine + Sean + Montana=love

But when Chris Harrison tells them they only have an hour to pack their bags and get to the airport, Lindsay starts bawling about how she’s going fit that wedding dress in her bag.  So she decides to wear it again, hoping no one will notice.  I have no evidence of this, but I know it happened, since it’s the only logical thing.

The ladies pack their one bag and meet up with Sean in Montana.  Sean went ahead of the girls and did some tanning to match his new hair cut, all during the time it took for those ladies to get packed up.  They only had one hour?  I’m not buying it.

And now drum ROLLS please, because Episode 5 means: a one-on-one date, group date AND *more drums* the dreadful two-on-one date. *add intense music*  Except everyone in the room is still pretty much smiling because Chris Harrison is that cute.

On the move to Montana:

That convertible vehicle bringing them to White Fish is also something else.  I loved it.

When arriving to the lodge, Tierra realizes that she’ll have to be doing more than just squashing some bugs this week, because these girls are not right for Sean.

“It’s so exciting to, like, smell the fresh air.”  

 Because Montana is all my dreams come true.  Bless your heart Selma.  You and I have some traveling we need to get done ASAP.

Robyn is wearing the same warm orange & brown chevron shirt that she has worn in the previous 2 episodes.  She either really likes it, or the baggage guy left with her clothes instead of Amanda’s last week.  I happen to really like it and would like to know where it’s from.  So I asked her.  It's from Rip Curl and it's not available anymore.  I'm now secretly hating on her. (secretly though)

Date card

As much as Tierrable thought she deserved that solo date with Sean, wait... did she say deserve?  What the heck is “deserving a date”???  The jury is still out on that one, so the date went to Lindsay.  Maybe she deserved it more because she’s a brat...  An army brat mind you.  Although I start questioning if she knows much of anything when she says: “Is that a helicopter y’all.” I don’t think she’s knows much of anything.  So I’m glad she went on this ride and had a chance to figure out what a HELICOPTER was.  Bless her bratty heart. 

Everyone had to wear the same shirt this episode to test the viewers if we knew the girls name.  Well done ABC.  There are only some slight color variations...  Lindsay went with black.  

Glacier National Park looks like a place I’d like to visit.  The view was breathtaking.  The date was full of kisses, romantic scenery and some wine.  Hearts were soaring, but then Seanie realizes this is Montana and it’s freezing cold!  So they find some random fire place to have a GENUINE chat.  Are they sponsored by Miller?

Lindsay is still wondering what brought her there so that helicopter ride still didn’t register.  It’s too bad...  Now I’m sure they are sponsored by Miller, because it seems like Lindsay had a few to carry on the conversation to follow.  She tells Sean about “the difficulties growing up as an Army brat” and I kindda feel bad for her here, and it’s tough to make fun of people you like.  But I cannot focus on this conversation because she says “adolescent” twice AND in the same breath as having babies.  I’m so confused!  No one should use the word adolescent, unless they want one to think of puberty and loosing complete focus on everything that makes sense.  Sean is totally aware that it must be scary saying “adolescent” twice on National TV so he starts making out with her.  And maybe I’m the brat, but she gets the rose.  Because they are jelly together.

Back at the lodge

The girls are hanging out around the house & the group date card arrived. Whoever's name wasn't on the card, would be on the two-on-one.   So looks like Tierra will be on the dreaded 2 on 1 date and I’m so not suprise.  Great drama producers!!!  But Jackie?  I’m a little sad for her.  Surprisingly, Tierra was all smiles about it. Tierra is as happy as a bubble bee filled with honey y’all.  I think she’s just trying to mess with Jackie and she’s freaking out inside that bubble bee.

Lindsay & Sean - evening 

So Lindsay almost went home the first night and now Sean is glad she didn’t because they got to drink beer and we got to see none of their date because Miller has since pulled their support from the show.  And all of a sudden it’s night time and there’s a fire and some more kissing and V-neck wearing, along with a Sarah Darling (http://www.sarahdarling.com/) concert and most of the people of Whitefish.  She sings about how she wants to be our cigarette and something in me just lights up.

Now even though they keep reusing this date over and over again, Lindsay is like: “It doesn’t get any better” and I just want to shout: “shoot a bit higher next time” because honestly I’m bored of this date...  Maybe she could have gone for the longest kiss AGAIN or something, since this show is really into dates repeating themselves.  But then she jumped Sean and said she was really into on him.  It’s best to save this stuff for the overnight girl. 

Group Date:
The ladies join Sean for their group date, which was a wilderness relay race. The 8 women were split into 2 teams of 4 and so far it looks like an animal butchering challenge combined with an eating challenge.  CHUG CHUG CHUG.  If I ever stoop to doing a relay race for someone's affection please shoot me. 

Selma is confident they will win because she wants time with her man.  She’s obviously my favorite (I’m not gonna lie), but how is she going to win this challenge???  It starts off with a canoe race, then buck hay, then saw through a log, then milk a goat, and last, but certainly not least, drink the goat's milk, which Des will gladly chug if it means more time with Sean.

Although they were late from the start, the red team (Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn) finished first, after Desiree chugs some warm goat milk and has it come out her nose.  This means the other girls had to head back home while these four got extra time with Sean.

At least, that's what they thought. Sean didn't feel right having the other four ladies leave, so he sends his maid servant a.k.a. Chris Harrison back to the lodge to invite them to the night date as well.  

Side note: Tierra is writing about her Bachelor memoir.   How sweet, right? 

The other team is seeing red, err, I mean the red time is mad.  But “Sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight.” If I were Des, I would be PISSING that goat’s milk right now.  ALL THAT GOAT MILK, you guys.   

We can however guess that he wanted to spend time with those girls (for whatever reason), because 4 girls just ain’t enough.  And it’s fair to say there probably is 1 or 2 girls he was sad not to spend the night with.  And AshLee is convinced it’s her.  What I don’t understand, is if you’re going to bend the rules, why not just add an extra 1 on 1 date?  Just saying.

“A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with.” Yep, Sean just said that. 


When Selma gets angry you all, Selma gets angry.  Because not every thing in her world is roses. And right now it’s not rose.



But Tierra is upset too!  So she steals a blue lumberjack shirt and trespass over to the party.  She sneaks up on Sean in his interview and for once, he doesn’t sound stoked to see her.  GREAT! 

“I was happy to see her but I had no idea why she was there.” We didn’t either Sean.  Maybe for you?  Just a guess.  The fact that she stole somebody’s VULNERABLE shirt to “blend in” even though the girls all put on normal clothes was the best part.  She does feel good about the whole thing though, saying: “I feel like I got a head start on the two-on-one date”.  

“I worry about Tierra,” Sean says. Yeah, no kidding!  Us too.  Especially when she says things like: “I’m a real person as opposed to all the other 2 on 1 dates ever before.  I always listen to my gut, because then I know when to go to the bathroom.”  Yet is it just me but she seems a tad constipated?

Sean steals Des and right as she’s saying how glad she is to finally have some time with him, Ash barges in.  NO :(  I love me some Des time right about now.  AshLee looks sweet a buble bee, but she’s got herself a stinger and a plan y’all and it’s winning this man.  I bet you she has a folder all neatly organized and color coded about different methods to steal a man away from a women on a group date.

Back at the house

Tierra has returned. Chris Harrison photocopied his old note “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” And Lindsay reads it as if it has never happened before.   

Back to the group date

“I love being with Catherine” Seany says as he carries her off to tell her he’s not “worried about her” because he can just sweep her off her feet easily.  And frolic.  Mostly frolic.  And kiss.

Daniella is crying because she’s wearing the cutest dress yet she hasn’t had time with him yet.  And she hates it that other girls are sitting on him and him sitting on them.  Well mostly just the girls on him.  She doesn’t look at Sean as she says “it’s hard to see the other girls connect with you.”  This guy is good though, because he’s like: “I love being with you. I love having fun with you (and all the other girls).  So please don’t cry.  I hate when girls cry.  Would a rose make you feel like I’m not just keeping you around because I have a show to make?”  Priceless.  #winning

After getting a kiss however, she feels like all that is so nice.  

Ouch, red team. That hurts like a thorn huh?  Take that.

I feel like the only person who got action on this date was the goat

2 on 1 date:

The next day, Tierra and Jackie saddled up for their horseback riding date with Sean.  He announces that he will be looking for different things with both of the girls.  Ok but what?  Who can ride a horse best???  

Seems like a Tierrable idea, until Sean pulls up on a horse and not a donkey.  And wearing pants instead of a kilt!  What a nice upgrade from his season.  You can tell he’s calling the shots!

 

This date immediately becomes a “blistering competition”, without the blister on your feet.  This is horse riding so use your imagination.  Hopefully the horses break the tension that this date brings.

During their one-on-one time, Jackie decided to let Sean know that Tierra wasn't being genuine and even flirted with some "cute guy" at the airport.  This is the first time we actually hear of an actual reason why Tierra is the bad girl of this season.  We all thought that was going to be the deal breaker, but there is still food to be had guys.  So I hope Tierra enjoys her last meal.  Sometimes I get scared because I have the biggest heart and I hope she’s not reading this. 

Hail Mary or hail Tierra 

In a last attempt at staying on the show, she pulls the “my ex-boyfriend of five years was in and out of rehab, and he died while we were still together, because I never left him, because I’m a good person”.  And that's why she is so afraid of losing someone again y’all.  

Whatever her reasoning was behind sharing that story, it worked, because she got the rose and some kissing action.

Jackie was sent home.  The dead person card works everytime.

Best lines of the whole date were:
“If I could be someplace else, I’d be there right now.” Sean
“I get scared because I have the biggest heart” Tierra
“I loved a guy and he was in and out of rehabs.” To which Sean replies “Drug and alcohol rehab?” Oh no he broke his nose. 
“Jackie, our relationship has been slower to develop, and I know why.” Why? Off course he never says, but maybe it has something to do with the 25 other women. 

Let's do some math
 
Tierra loved someone for five years who passed away in 2009.  She’s 24.  So she was with someone unstable for all of her dating years, so now I feel bad.  

Jackie wins for most beautiful crier by far.  There are fireworks in the sky and Tierra pets her rose. This show is messed up.

Oh no, Jacquie messed her makeup, now I want to cry too.

Part Four: “I’ll make this a bad girls’ club.”

Obviously all of the women are wearing non smear lipstick or Sean would be looking like a clown by now.  

The girls finally decide they’re fed up with Tierra’s eyebrows, and they turn on her.  Hard.  Robyn isn’t an aesthetician, but she is the most frustrated of the bunch. 

Selma “You’re gonna wife that. And impregnate that?” She asked, rhetorically, referring to Sean’s romance with Tierra.  Priceless!!! 

Courtney and Vienna should make a surprise appearance and give Tierra some advice.

Daniella’s dress.  WOW, black lace dress, so pretty! Love that girl’s style!

The drama with Tierra is great, but I’m a tad bored of her.  So basically Robyn comes over with Lesley to fight her.  They forgot their boxing gloves in LA, so they will have to use their words.  But the music they play when showing Tierra, just sends chills down my bones!!!  Or maybe it’s the fact that she refers to herself in the third person. 

“If I want to go get engaged, I could easily go get engaged. There’s plenty of guys out there.” Tierra, why are you on this show???  “No matter what I do, somebody is always watching me.” Yeah, it’s National TV. “This is all repetitive drama,” Tierra says.  And Sean walks through the room. AWESOME. 

Tierra is a genius, or not.  She speaks in small words and uses her hands a lot, which usually makes someone look smart, but it's not working in her case.  She says things like she’s “such a nice girl” and appeals to Sean’s super sweet self.

Sean makes things awkward by putting Lesley on the spot about Tierra, and they show nothing else of their interaction.  Thankfully my political girl finds a way to say that Tierra is really socially awkward without actually saying that.  She’s brilliant.

Also who else noticed the whole room is a wine cellar?  Great bachelor room. 

“I just talked to Sean and that happy-go-lucky guy isn’t here right now,” Chris tells the ladies.  What?  Now all the ladies think he’s gone back to Texas and are freaking out.  LOL.  So funny. 

I’m sad to see Robyn go, maybe she can start a bad girls’ club back home.

Also as Selma said, Be scared :) 

Do you agree with Sean's decision? Leave me your comments, thoughts and follow me on twitter @marieevefast