Episode 4

By now I’m having some serious (Asheley P.) 50 shades of withdrawals and I am tempted to threaten Mike Fleiss of scrapping the show all together until she is casted on Bachelor Pad 4 or makes a return on this season.  Let’s be real, she was by far the funniest and I could have used her drama for entertainment purposes a little longer.

Episode 4 is fun anyway, because it usually means one of the girls on 1 on 1 date is going home!!!  So the tension is up and it’s really entertaining to watch the girls squirm as well as watching the Bachelor do his first official dumping a girl speech and realizing, (usually leaning over a baluster), how “real” this is all starting to feel.  I’m telling you, this always happens week 4.

The previews for this week were hilarious! My highlight was: Tierra saying “I just want the heat to be off me”, the next shot was this.  HAHAHA.  Well played #abc

And then the producers surprised me with not showing the same “Sean working out” footage again.  Instead they show us that Sean prefers boxers to briefs.

One-on-One Date With Selma Alameri

The girls are sitting around, waiting to see who's getting dates this week...  Normal right?  WRONG.

Love Amanda's tunic, Selma looks happy, but why is AshLee wearing boots?  Isn't this summer???  Isn't there an entire collection of summer footwear out there???

Anyway, so Persian beauty Selma snatches that first date like it’s hot.  As in desert hot.  And it’s just that, a date in the desert.  And no, he didn’t take her to an Iraqi desert.  But he did take the Iraqi to the desert.  Are you still with me?

So she wants to take it to the next level, and the next level, and the next level and then have babies.  So that’s how babies are made y’all.

And she gets really excited about the date!  Or was it the babies???

The thing is, I know this wasn’t shot before the date, because her bra isn’t matching with the rest of the date.  It’s in the details people.

Selma says she feels puffy.  Maybe it’s that time of the month, because she keeps saying how she doesn’t do well in the heat and I can’t figure out why else she would say that.  Since she’s so “puffy”, she opts to stay in her yoga pants, which are still a step up from her last week’s green sweatpants. (sorry Selma)

Sean picks her up in a limo and takes her to a private jet where obviously a red carpet awaits them.  Because this is the Bachelor, and neither of them act overly surprise.  But this cannot be a fancy date because the outfit just doesn’t match.  And the producers would never let that happen.  So I’m waiting for the story to “unroll” just like a carpet. 

So the cuddly lovebirds fly to Joshue Tree.  And on the flight she apparently falls asleep with her head on Sean’s chest, which makes me believe even more his ABS are implants and ridiculously comfy.   

Sean says: “I’ll be interested in seeing her face when she realises this date is not glamorous.”  And I wish I was making this up, but this is the face she made, RIGHT after those words.

Count on Sean to always make some good points: Don’t take a girl on a rock climbing date that you cannot carry up the hills.  So it really makes sense that he would take 5’1, 110 pounds Selma to participate in this oh so “daring” rock climbing experience.  This could have been a rocky date.  But thankfully Selma is a solid girl, kindda rock solid, and well light... and she does really well.  And things can only go UP from there.  She will not be the butt of any jokes this season.

Yes Sean.  #winning  You are really BEHIND her.  Always.

Off course Selma kills it, climbed faster than Sean and totally rocked this date.  They are totally sitting on top of the world after that.

The magical day ends at “hipster-chic trailer park.”   Hello, Bachelor Pad 3 flashbacks. A.k.a. Blakeley & Tony anyone?  But we know those 2 hit rock bottom, so that sucks rocks y'all.  

Will there be an overnight date card on this date???  Because there is a random bed in the middle of the trailer court and that's when Selma starts sweating... Because there can be no display of affection in Selma’s culture.  This is gonna be a tough one.  I bet you anything Selma got grounded as soon as she got home from filming.

And as soon as they get to bed, Selma is sweatting so bad and really feeling the heat now.  So she asks: “do my arm pits smell ok???”

Between the retro trailers, lights and the starry night, this date is so cute and kindda hot.  Seriously, I feel bad for Selma, being in her position cannot be easy.  Her arm must be getting tired too.

She wanted to kiss Sean, but she has too much respect for her mom.  Which is something I can really appreciate.  And the no-kissing thing made the relationship more exciting I think, almost hotter.  And now I'm puffy too.  You want to keep the guy interested and have something to look forward to besides water retention.  But it’s not like Selma doesn’t have anything else going for her.  She does retain water in all the right places, and she’s got spunk & personality on top of being so beautiful.  

Also congrats to the #Bachelor cameramen who failed at shooting the Selma-in-Sean's-chest-all-night situation.  That was an epic fail. 
 

But I don’t care.  I love these 2 together.  Favorite so far!

Group Date: Who can roll with the punches?

The date starts with Sean taking eight girls to a roller rink in “a gritty warehouse”.  He was definitely on a roll.  And it’s definitely better than Lindsay’s idea of a giant hamster ball and rolling down a hill.  Or was it???

The girls are told they will compete in a roller derby competition (which is obviously the best way to win a man). I like these competitive dates, because you can usually see the true colors coming out.  Mostly black and pink.  Plus I wanted to see who would compete, who would complain about the ridiculous outfits (Jackie), and who would love the physicality of roller derby (Amanda).  

But as soon as the girls put on their skates, we all realize this is going to be a joke.  The practice proved that no one could roller skate, even Amanda who lies that she has done this before (which was completely hilarious).  I like this sassy side of her, and I wish Sean could have seen that side more, but it FELL flat. 

Robyn does the split, thinking this is gymnastic class, but then someone tells her that it’s a competition to see who can win Sean. #winning

She totally misinterpret that as it’s time to get sexy.  I don’t blame her, there are a lot of polls in this date, so she obviously thought it was a strip club and she rolls with it.

Amanda wonders what is the point of going on a date to loose, because that’s no fun and I think she might be unto something here.  I guess I missed the part where there was a prize though.  She’s a smart girl that one and she doesn’t miss a thing so I'm putting my trust in her.  Except obviously she didn’t see these sings:

Because then this will happen:

And then it happened

At least she got her prize:

Catherine is still MIA, no one really knows if she made it to the roller rink.  Maybe Tierra is holding her hostage somewhere because she was nowhere to be seen.  

Tierra is excited to sucker punch some of the girls.  She gets the meanz look y'all.

Sarah Herron gets emotional about a big hurdle.  And I’m thinking...  Not really.  Just one flat floor.  But seriously, for some reason it’s kindda annoying me that she is on this date, because I’m sure the producers would have known that skating would be hard for Sarah.  They were on purpose setting her up and I find that icky.  So it’s annoying because ONCE AGAIN they are focusing on what she doesn’t have, or doesn’t do well when she has so much to offer!!! 

But everyone, especially Sean, was really sensitive to her.   This is one of the best moves to pull on Sean because he will FALL for it every time.

Seriously tho, he would make a great therapist. Look who’s winning now Amanda?  Sarah, because she gets extra time with the actual prize.

It was nice to see her get so much support from the other girls too.  The rose should have gone to AshLee, who has the biggest heart I’ve seen on the show besides maybe Tenley (Jake's season), when she tries to convince Sarah to do the derby.  She’s definitely there to make friends. 

Evening: 

AshLee looks glowy.  For real people.  Or was that just shinny?  Either way!

Catherine has a cute white dress and she totes shutters at the mention of Tierra! LOL

 

Sarah is sporting her free bracelet she got from the show.  Nice move.  (the gold arrow thing)
 

But honestly, all that was really boring until Tierra started having a breakdown.  It caught me off guard and made me laugh when she said she didn’t want a sympathy rose, pointing fingers at the other girls like Sarah or Amanda who possibly would be.   (actually apparently in the unedited version, she did name Sarah & Amanda going for the pity rose)

Talking about Amanda, she looked Amandazing when she came back from the hospital, milking the injury for all it’s worth.  But what girl doesn’t do that?  Sadly for her, Sean kissed it better before she gets to tell him that actually they took out her tonsils too.  Amanda officially cracks me up. 

So unto the drama, apparently Tierra doesn’t like the environment.  Maybe she’s getting puffy like Selma.  Can she leave?  Sure, why does she need permission???  She's probably the girl who still calls her parents before going out.  But Tierra, we are the ones who can’t take all the fakeness girl.  We can’t be tortured like this.  I want to go and cry to Sean right now too.  Because if she goes home, the show will not be the same.  It will be kindda normal.  And no one watches for normal.  We watch for the cray cray, for the love of tierras.  

So Robyn is totally letting the plague of Tierra get to her, just like the rest of the viewers.  We are itchy with it.  And Sean is oblivious.  Precious!  

The girls get fed up, and decide it's time to start dancing the Macarena to lighten the mood.

Meanwhile, Sean is having a cute chat with Lindsay, but we can’t really focus cuz we are so tense about the drama happening with Tierra, and entertained by the dance party.  Will she leave?  Will she stay??  #limbo

When Sean & Lindsay decide to go for a little dip, I picture Tierra jumping in the hot tub with them and asking for time with Sean NOW.  Maybe the environment was getting to everyone.  

Anyway,  Lindsay walks out of the room and keeps running towards the hot tub.  But Sean sees the ghost lurking in the shadow, errr, I mean Tierra in a fetal position singing herself a lullaby.  She’s crying & crouching, because she can’t find her pants

If that’s not a creepy way to approach a man, then I don’t know what is.  But it’s like Sean has been reading my thoughts, because he totally loves on her and walks away to get her a rose.  And this is the face she makes.  #winning

However, the award of the best face goes to Lindsay!!!  This is the face she makes when she realizes Sean is going to give the rose to Tierra:

And what’s with the bad lighting???  Ugh!

One-on-One Date with Leslie Hughes

Sean takes Leslie Hughes on a Pretty Woman-themed date, and it’s her favorite movie.  Oh.  Was Leslie a hooker before coming on the show? #pokerdealer  Maybe that’s why she’s so excited about those diamonds.  And Sean talks about them as if he is the one who actually gave her the earrings himself.  Which off course he didn’t.  

The only real part of the date I saw was right at the beginning when Leslie grabbed her OWN water, as if she was on a real date.  

But next thing you know, she apparently leaves the house without it.  Fake much?

YAWN.  So this is the same date as Shawntel, but at least she ended up with cute clothes & had chemistry with her bachelor.  Actually this is more like Natalie & Jason’s date.  Do they always pick the least girly girls to go on this date???  Holy Molly Batman.  Picking out a dress, shoes, a handbag,... Leslie is so awkward with all this attention, but also really appreciative.  There is just no flow to this date, it’s too crisp, unlike that crimpled dress.  Winner Winner Chicken Diner.  "Oh la la"

"

(taken from http://prblonde.com/bachelor-17-episode-4-a-derby-daze/)

Before I can ponder on this more, Neil comes out of nowhere.  I’m relieve he gives her more jewelry, because the connection is totally lacking and I’m completely bored.  The only sparks flying are sparkles from the bejewels at this point.

And the dress is a big puffy thing with a bow, almost as to guarantee that there will be no physical contact.

They actually pulled up in front of the Regency Beverly Wilshire hotel where Pretty Woman was shot. Leslie says she felt like she was really just “a tan Julia Roberts.”  First time I crack a smile on this date.  

The evening is full of awkward talk like: “The earrings are totally yours.  So when you go home, you can keep them.  Either way, this is your chance.  Open up and get a ring.  Or don’t and go home with just the earrings.”  Leslie has everything, but the connection.  The romantic didn’t click.  Wait.  What does that mean??  

So Sean ends up saying to her: “And to hear you open up I couldn’t allow you to keep on babbling so I had to pick up this rose, and not give it to you.  I’m sorry, mostly because the food looked good, and I was really looking forward to the concert.  Now I’ll have to attend alone, with the necklace.  And this rose.  Because I didn’t feel that click.”

“Sorry...but...can I uh...have the necklace back before you leave?  Neil will kill me if you don’t”

Ben Taylor came for nothing. 

And what a waste of a good rose

Since it fell SLOW motion, I wish Leslie had run back slow motion to catch it.

At least now that she is gone, Sean can eat his dinner.  Winner-Winner Chicken Diner.

And yet Leslie, you should feel really rejected.  Sean just said you weren't a "good fit", yet THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. (health club owner)

The guy grabbing the luggage :)

Can he be on Bachelor Pad?

ALSO, For the record it was already 50/50 whether she was going home tonight Amanda!

Tierra can't take it, so she is eating her emotions off of china plate: 

Rose Ceremony
 

Sean is trying to beat his “y’all” record in one minute again, but it doesn’t come close to last week.  So instead he throws around the word “genuine” as if people normally talk like that.  

In his chat with AsheLee, he says he can’t keep his eyes off her and that’s seeing a lot.  I mean saying.

Robyn goes for the chocolate kiss.  That was more painful pick up line than Amanda’s face plant.  He wanted to go for the real deal, but she made him kiss her.  Poor Sean.  He’s still dreaming of that chocolate.

Tierra pulls Robyn & Jackie aside.  She’s trying to apologize I think, because she says: “I want to apologize”.  Although usually an apology is when you say what you did wrong and say that you are sorry about that.  But what happens her, is her saying : “your bad for not liking me”.  And now I’m really confused.  Why does no one like her anyway?  What has she really ever done?  Except for falling on her head.  But we can’t hate her for this. Nothing like an apology where you lay the blame on other people.

We don’t like the “winning” references, however.  Maybe she thinks she is on Bachelor Pad 4 already.  But she really ROSE to the occasion this week.  What was this fight all about anyway?  Tierra said that Robyn singled her out just to get a rise out of her eyebrow?

No one's ever talked so much about being comfortable with each other while having an uncomfortable moment so I’m glad when they seem to be happy with the apology.   Because Tierra is not going to let someone bash a hammer over her head. Not when there are perfectly good stairs to fall down.

Tierra’s talk with Sean and says: “I hate drama, but girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” And HER own “girls” almost fall out of her dress.  

(WOW, that was almost crazy bachelor drama there)

She also says: “keeping my eyes on the prize” and Sean totally agree while staring at her boobs.

Translation for Sean: if a girl has to say she hates drama..it means she loves it and is always involved in it.

I feel if Tierra really had Target on her back everyone would love her more, because it would take the attention away from everyone hating on her forhead.

I’m smart.  I’m ahead of everybody.  Because in life I get what I want.  Except this isn’t life.  This is the bachelor.  And good girls go home.  And villains win.  So I guess you have a great chance at getting what you want Tierra.  #winning

Anyone else feels like Tierra and Amanda are the Courtney & Casey?  Things are not looking up for Amanda then.

I also love those controversial cocktail party statements like "I think everyone who doesn't have a rose is nervous".

Catherine rises above and doesn’t focus on the drama.  Sean is so attracted to Catherine.  So they run away from the girls so they can make out.  Because they never waste time.  This is much better than a kiss on paper!

This was in Sean’s blog and it was too cute to not share:  "She told me she wanted to kiss me but couldn't while the other girls were in sight. She was so nervous that she buried her head in my chest and wouldn't look up.  After a few seconds I told her, 'It's okay to look up,' and then we had our first kiss. What you didn't see was her excitement after.  She was giddy and suggested that we frolic – definitely the first time I received that request, so I obliged. We skipped around the driveway.”  Frolic?  Haha.

So Chris H announces it’s time for the getting rid of one more girl, errr, rose ceremony.

Before begening to hand out roses, Sean says: “I think I’ll find the lady who’s for me, and I think she’s here.  Could someone find her?”

You could definitely sense there were fewer girls in the room.  Also, you could just count. #bachelorquote

Chris Harrison:  If you don’t hear your name called out, you totally need to leave as soon as possible, because we’re done with you.  Thank you.

Leslie looks so HOT with those lips. 

Sean eliminates Amanda at the rose ceremony.  And I think her lips got one shade darker.  Or was that from falling on her face.  Anyway, now I get what were those “dark cloud” comments all about.

Jackie the makeup artist is giggling because she told Amanda to wear that wine color lipstick and it got her sent home. 

Amanda feels rejected, because it’s hard not to get a rose and she wasn’t expecting it.  Heart break is a difficult emotion.  It’s gonna be hard to get over Sean and she feels stupid.  This show really really messes with girls!!!

But I'm already giggling because of the closing scene: 

Buckle up sweetheart.  We’re about to stall.  7 times.  And kill my manhood.

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Until next week!